I’m not sure how coherent this will be because it is just stream of consciousness, but here it is:
I am really discouraged. I went to my usual Wednesday morning Moms Bible study at church. Will had already had a fussy morning and I had barely had time to look at this week’s lesson. Joseph always stays home with Joe for “man morning” to account for the late hours that Joe will be working at church tonight. Will needs to nurse about halfway through the study and so he comes with me.

We got there late and small group time was just so typical. One of the women dominated the conversation with stories about God’s faithfulness to her in her job. I really have a hard time with this woman (although I like talking to her and have enjoyed her personally) because of her working and the way she talks about it. One of the first meetings she talked about how her two kids, ages 2 and 4, are in 5 day a week preschool (euphemism for day care). And “Hallelujah, thank you, God for that!” she said. I thought, “How awful!” The worst part about it is that everyone laughed and said, “Wonderful!” How could she think so little of her role as a mother to rejoice (and praise God none the less) that she was not raising her own children? This morning, she was relating a story about how God was faithful because He worked details out so that some sales counted for last month and she met a big sales goal. As she went on and on about her stress and busyness and how she always feels weird asking our prayer for her job but men don’t and so she realizes that she shouldn’t either….all I could think of was—this is wrong! We shouldn’t encourage her to not be a mother, which is what we are tacitly doing by smiling and nodding as she relates these stories. (And before you think that perhaps she “needs” to work, she carries a Louis Vuitton purse.) Is there a place for someone to say in love that perhaps she should be a mother and wife and not focus on her career?

While all of this was happening, Will was started to fuss and so I nursed him discreetly. As I burped him between sides, he spit up and some women in the group were so uncomfortable. Both of my boys have been spit-up babies and so I am used to carrying burp clothes and wearing a lot of easy to wash clothes when we are at home. What added to my issue today was how several women in the group acted. They made such a big deal about it. I just would have loved it if they had quietly smiled and nodded as they happily reminisced about nursing their kids (which most of them didn’t) and the little inconveniences that sometimes come with being a mom. Kids here are looked at as being a burden and a hassle and spit up on the floor (though carefully cleaned up by me) during a women’s Bible study small group is just one more example of the intrusion that kids cause.

After small group was over, Will and I headed into the main room for the large group meeting. I chatted with a few of the moms from Joseph’s play group and then sat down. I sit away from the main group next to the back wall so that I can walk with Will or slip out if he cries. Out of the group of 160 moms in the study, there are three of us that bring our infants. The rest are stacked away in the nursery on the other end of the church. When the group quieted down and the speaker began, Will made a few happy cooing noises and I got a few smiles from some moms. He got a bit noisier (though still a happy noise) and one of the moms in the back row turned around and gave me a look that said, “Who are you? And why is your baby here?” Now, the whole reason that I sit by the back wall is so that Will and I will be as little as a distraction as possible. I want everyone to be able to focus on the speaker and I understand that noise is distracting.

I decided not to stay and so Will and I headed for the door. By the time that I got to the car, I was stewing and I mulled it all over as we dropped a prescription off at the pharmacy on the way home. Nothing that happened this morning was earth shattering, but by the time I walked in the door to our house, I felt completely defeated. What am I here for? What is the purpose of my role as a mom and wife? Does it have any value? My pessimism was going full force and I doubted every aspect of who I am and what my life is. I tried to explain it to my husband, but hadn’t had enough time to really think through what was bugging me. He reassured me of my value as a wife and mother and prayed for me before he left for work.

The boys are both tucked in for their afternoon naps and so I have had this time to write. I don’t think that it was until I got this all down that I really felt the energy to combat the hopelessness and meaninglessness that was creeping into my heart. God is reassuring me in answer to my husband’s prayer even as I write this.

The people that I am in contact with here do not value the role of a woman as a wife and mother. Children are seen as dolls to dress up and baby-sit rather than as eternal souls that need to be pointed towards the truth of the Gospel and disciplined to grow Godly character. There is little thought of the ideas that my husband and I have towards children.

--The idea of finding joy in the plethora of delays and trials that come with having children and seeing those things as part of God’s plan for our good, blessing and sanctification.
--The weight of the stewardship of raising covenant children and the responsibility of having a goal of them being holy rather than happy and disciplining them towards that end.
--The simple joys of a family at home—warm fellowship built around shared times of eating, praying, singing, working, and playing.

Do I always think my children are easy? No. But are they always a joy? Yes. And especially if I am seeing them and my circumstances through eyes of faith that see as God sees and do not value the things of this world.

So I guess after it all I am lonely. Lonely for some likeminded women who rejoice in motherhood. Who see their children as blessings. Who see value in nurturing them and just raising them. I know my husband is right in saying this morning that we are “missionaries to a foreign culture” more than we realize. Our mission field just happens to be in a church in Mississippi. May God be glorified here and may He grant me eyes of faith to see as He sees.