Hope in the One

I went to lunch at school to bring cupcakes to Joseph and his class to celebrate his 9th birthday. He is so grown up. So responsible. So capable. And he is still my baby too; he doesn't shy away from hugs yet and still tries to climb into my lap. He is such a joy and I love being his mama!

But what is on my heart right now is an encounter that I had while I was at the school. It was one of those moments that takes your breath away. One of those times when it feels like you are living out a movie script rather than real life.

Charlie and I were running late as usual. (Didn't my last post start this way too?) We quickly signed in to the office and rushed down the hall to the cafeteria. Me balancing 26 cupcakes in two precariously stacked tupperwares and Charlie clutching his sippy cup and a plastic grocery bag holding his lunch and the napkins to serve the cupcakes on.

As we approached the cafeteria, I could see Joseph's class coming down the hall towards us. My son is almost a head taller than everyone else in the class except one other boy. When we sat down I meet the 3 boys that are sitting opposite us.
"I'm Mrs. Holland. What is your name?"
"I'm Demetrius."
"I'm Jacob."
"I'm Campbell."
"It is nice to meet you guys."

We chatted about a few other things--what they had done in PE that day, the fact that they wouldn't get to go outside for recess since it was raining. And then...
"My dad and my mom are both in jail."
Really? Did he just blurt that out? My eyes meet his. His are pale blue behind thick glasses with wire-rims.
"They are? Wow."
What do you say to that?
"I live with my aunt. I am new to this school."
Jacob goes on to explain that Campbell used to go to this school and now he is back here again. Campbell confirms that his aunt lives close by and so he goes here now.
"I am never going to see my dad again."
"I am sorry."
"My whole side of my face was bruised from where he hit me with his hand."
My stomach turns and what I had feared is true. Oh Father, my Abba, give me words.
"That is a lot for a little guy like you to deal with."
Campbell chimes in that this is now the fourth time that he has been taken away from his family. I learn that his mom's trial is today. I ask if he likes his aunt and if she is nice and I get a reluctant yes.

Chocolate as comfort; time slows in the cacophony of lunchtime revelry and I am undone. My heart aches for this little one. For what he has been through and for my inability to do anything about it.

All I can do is listen and offer a moment.

And I can lift up this little one in prayer. And I can trust that my God is a God who makes new. Redeems. Restores what the locusts have eaten. Who puts the fatherless in families.

I know that He is in control and I can hope in Him.

Psalm 68:4-6
Sing to God, sing praises to his name;
lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts;
his name is the LORD;
exult before him!
Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home;
he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Into the great wide open

We were running a little late this morning, as usual. We live less than a mile from Sycamore Park Elementary and plan to walk to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays when the weather is nice. And it was beautiful this morning. Warm, but with a gentle breeze that promises cooler days that are yet to come.

We took pictures on the front steps and started off. Three boys in backpacks. One mama clutching her coffee. And a daddy helping along the youngest son.

The walk there was fun. We passed the crazy cat lady's house. Only 6 cats were in sight this morning. She yelled out the door, "School's on this morning?"

"Yep."

Joe prayed over them as we walked. "Lord, help these boys to be lights for you in their school. Help them serve their teachers and be good friends to their classmates."

I prayed silently too for their protection and strength.

As we got closer to the school, we had to weave through the long line of cars waiting to drop kids off at the middle school across the street. Confession time: I would've put on more makeup if I had realized that I'd see so many people! Or rather that so many people would see me!

Our little Holland procession got smiles from the mothers of preteens. Were they remembering how just a few short years ago they were bringing their little ones to their first day of kindergarten? Were they smiling at the funny parade of Hollands--stair-step boys in khakis and polos? Backpack dwarfing five year old shoulders. Will's faux hawk. Joseph so tall and ready to go.

We stopped just outside the front door. I got kisses and hugs from each of them.

"Have a good day!"
"I love you."
"See you this afternoon!"

Will grabbed and picked up Charlie and in the overly-enthusiastic boyness that is Will, fell over on top of him. I heard the thunk of Charlie's head hitting the ground.

Charlie wails and this is suddenly not the peaceful and poignant goodbye that I had planned.

Is it ever?

"David, you will go right down the hall to the kindergarten pod. Joseph, you help him," Joe instructs.

As Joe holds Charlie, the three boys go inside. My little men. A gaggle of teachers waits just inside the door and chats with the boys. They each get their bus number written on the back of their hand so that they know where to go this afternoon.

I watch as they hesitate for a moment.

"Can you see them, Joe? Where is David?"

And then they are off. Down the hall. (In the right direction.)

"They didn't even look back....Good for them."

Letting go

I only got a little teary as we pulled away from the drop off line. While he could see me, I was all smiles and confidence.

"I wonder what you will learn today?"

"You are going to meet so many new friends!"

"I really like your teacher. She is nice."

My little man. Venturing into the world without me by his side.

My mind races back. Is this really the baby that I birthed at home so quickly and so quietly? He seems so very mine that I can't imagine sharing him. So much a part of me.

There is a part of me that wants to hold on. To enclose him. To protect. To shelter.

And yet to do so would be to forget my whole purpose.

I shelter in order to release. I hold tight in order to let go. I protect to allow him to grow strong. I mother in order to send out.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the sons of one’s youth. Psalm 127:4

Arrows to be shot out. Sent out. Launched.

My prayer for my boys is that they will be men who passionately love Jesus and work to see his kingdom come. Strong men. Bold men. Men with vision and and wisdom. What a gift to get to help launch them!

Sticks and Stones

Nothing like a kidney stone to knock one back a few paces! Mine was not very bad considering all of the horror stories that I have heard. It was not worse than childbirth. I had an outpatient procedure to blast it (lithotripsy) into smaller pieces and it worked. My recovery is continuing to be very slow. I still tire easily and look like death warmed over. (Where did that expression come from?)

But the stones are gone for now, and I am hoping that this will be my only bout with them. On the upside, we've reached the out-of-pocket limit on our medical insurance already and so the rest of the year is free! Time to get sick everyone!

Still trying to explain

Reading back over yesterday's post, I don't think that I explained what I am thinking very well.

I am learning to trust in who God is and in his character rather than in stability or my feelings. Even though I am not feeling like I am content in God's plans for me, I know that He loves me and has saved me. I know Who He is. I know the Gospel. And that is all I have. And though I don't feel like that is enough. It is.

We had laughed at the over-abundant blessing on 4 Mississippi boys. When we talked about moving to Virginia, the one thing that they always said that they were looking forward to was....not being closer to family, not starting a new church, not going to a new school, not meeting new friends...but SNOW.
Umm, I think that they have gotten that wish now!

Seeing Him in shades of gray

I don't like to blog unless I have everything figured out and can answer my own questions and sooth my own doubts. I am a "type A". I like everything in its place. My world is black and white, with very little sympathy for subtle shades of gray. I don't want to express something until I have it all figured out. Thus the silence of this blog for the last 6 months.

I don't have the answers yet and I am still struggling. Still getting settle in a new place. Still downsizing. Still starting over. Still overwhelmed. Still tired.

But part of where the Lord is leading me right now is allowing me to "suffer" (not in the real and big sufferings that so many people face, just in the small daily things) and allowing my questions to linger. I am learning to be content in Him, in being reconciled to the Father through Christ, and in being fully loved as His daughter. In knowing His love for me. In trusting in His goodness towards me.

On the road again

Where to start?

The problem with a personal blog is that once you stop writing, it is very hard to start again. There are gaps and much has happened and there is a pressure to try to fill in all of the details. I simply cannot.

So, what is left to say as I look back at the gaps of the past few months and try to catch up? Things are hard, and Jesus is enough. We have made sweet friends. We have moved (twice!). We still have not sold our house in Mississippi. The boys have started a school that they love. We have moved into a tiny house. We have fought. We have grown.

But most of all, we have been amazed that God loves and accepts us because Christ has reconciled us to him. I cannot believe that I am a daughter of God, love completely, and freed from my guilt and sin.

Christmas is coming....

I ordered some very stylish labels with our new address on them yesterday and saw these cute ones for Christmas.
You can personalize them for your family....isn't that fun?

And I figured out how to put a widget for the site on my sidebar. I am QUITE the internet guru now!!!

“Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.”

Charles Spurgeon
HT: girltalk blog

All is well here.

We are counting down the days until Joe finishes his time serving FPC Kosciusko and can fully focus on church planting.

Spring is here in full force. We are enjoying a few strawberries from the garden. We had a pair of wrens nest in our workroom and have been able to watch the babies hatch, grow, and finally leave the nest. We are loving this house even more as we realize that we are leaving.

Good reading this morning

I was reading a blog this morning that is the story of a family that adopted 4 siblings from Ethiopia. It is a great story (and a real story) but something that the mom wrote resonated with me this morning.

This particular post was written just before they left to pick up the children. And I liked it because it is where I am as a mama right now.

Jesus, fill me!

Testing, testing

I just got a blackberry and am trying to see if I can use it to blog. Perhaps that would help save my blog from dying due to lack of posting.

Winter days

Rainy winter day

We are back into the normal schedule today as a trial run before a whole week of normal starting Monday. We certainly did enjoy having Joe home more, even though he didn't really get a vacation. He worked tirelessly on Culpeper things and has really made some progress. I am so thankful to have such a hard working husband! We are just under 50 percent for our support raising so far and are going to Virginia next Friday for a week and a half of visiting churches and meeting people.

I have to also rave about something. I have had the same pair of jeans for several (who knows how many!) years now and they are old! And need replacing badly! About 2 months ago, I went from store to store in Jackson and tried on every pair of jeans I could find but to no avail. It seems that all of the jeans in the stores were just too low waisted. I have a long torso and so low jeans are REALLY low on me. To tell you how desperate I had gotten, I even considered buying some "mom jeans."

But I didn't have to! When we were at Gap earlier this week, I tried on their Essentials style jeans and they worked! They are cut high enough on the waist and still look cute. YAY!

Christmas Day

In reverse order because that is how blogger loaded them and I am not fixing it!



Ready for bed after a long day.
















Looking at the gingerbread house!
















He didn't like the bubbles in the bubble bath.

Me and my man

Credit for photography on these go to Will and Joseph! Not too bad, huh?

Family pictures

I forgot to say that I am so thankful for our friend, Kelsey Thompson, who gave her morning yesterday trying to capture the fun that is our family. Kelsey is a ballerina with Ballet Magnificat and commutes from Kosciusko to Jackson to dance with the company there. Thanks, Kelsey!

Quick update

We are all well and enjoying the busyness of the advent season. My shopping is done and we are wrapping up school for a few weeks. I have been cleaning like crazy the past week or so, and the house is neat for once.

Last week, Joe accepted a call to plant a church in Culpeper, Va. We hope to be on the field in Culpeper June of 2009. In the meantime, Joe will continue his job here in Kosciusko and will be raising the support necessary for a church start. We will basically be missionaries to Culpeper and will be asking churches and supporters to "send" us. It is an exciting and unsettling time, and we are looking forward to seeing God's hand guide us.

We are currently planning on putting our house on the market early in January. Selling a house in such a small town is always a hit or miss proposition, and recent economic troubles will only complicate it. But again, we are trusting in God's provision. He will provide a buyer or if not, He has an even better plan for us that might just include growing our patience during hard times!

Subtle sage (although it looks blue to me!)

Remember the ugly wallpaper in my dining room? Well, after much angst over choosing a color, we finally painted it on Saturday and I put the finishing touches on today.

Again, it is one of those things that I now look at and say, "Why didn't I do that 2 years ago?"

Now, if anyone has ideas on how to fill those huge empty walls, I'm all ears.