Seeing Him in shades of gray

I don't like to blog unless I have everything figured out and can answer my own questions and sooth my own doubts. I am a "type A". I like everything in its place. My world is black and white, with very little sympathy for subtle shades of gray. I don't want to express something until I have it all figured out. Thus the silence of this blog for the last 6 months.

I don't have the answers yet and I am still struggling. Still getting settle in a new place. Still downsizing. Still starting over. Still overwhelmed. Still tired.

But part of where the Lord is leading me right now is allowing me to "suffer" (not in the real and big sufferings that so many people face, just in the small daily things) and allowing my questions to linger. I am learning to be content in Him, in being reconciled to the Father through Christ, and in being fully loved as His daughter. In knowing His love for me. In trusting in His goodness towards me.

“Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.”

Charles Spurgeon
HT: girltalk blog

Ready, set.....

I had three conversations yesterday (wow, 3 adult conversations in one day--that must be a record!) that have given me food for thought today. On Monday, the boys and I will jump into homeschooling. They are literally counting down the days while I am approaching them with apprehension and feelings of inadequacy. I already feel snowed under just in my day to day mothering....and now I am going to add academics?

As I talked about my worries and fears, I realized much of my problem lies in the fact that I am not understanding the Gospel correctly. I am feeling inadequate as a mother because daily I am confronted with more than I can handle on my own and I react with anger and selfishness. Then, instead of repenting of these sins to my children and my God and moving on in the joy of forgiveness through Christ, I wallow in my sin and worry (rightly) that I am not a good mom.

I have skewed the message of the Gospel by doing this. I have changed it to "Being a Christian is doing things right." I act like I think that my boys will be Christians by me being a good enough example for them so that they will be good too. That, however, is NOT the Gospel, but that is the way I have been living.

The glorious truth of the Gospel is that I am a sinner who has been saved by God's riches in Christ. God has taken me--short temper, selfishness, yelling, and all--and loved me as His child. He sees Christ's spotless righteousness in the place of my sin and has freely traded my rags for Christ's spotlessness.

I am not a good mother. I am not a good wife. But I am loved with an everlasting love by a God who graciously gave His Son to pay for my sin. This is what I need to preach to myself as I am overwhelmed by life, as I feel like I can't do it all. The truth is I can't do it all! But I don't have to. Christ has done it all for me on the cross and I can't do anything to add to it.

So, as I face next week, it is my prayer that my Lord will use this new season to teach me the Gospel again. To show my boys that loving Jesus isn't about being good. It is about Him being good and trusting in His finished work on my behalf.

True Worship

Yesterday at church was one of those mornings where I shuttled from one thing to the next without feeling like I did anything well. I missed Sunday school because I was nursing Charlie and then it was too late to join the class without majorly interrupting. Joe was assisting in the worship service and so that means he is up front until just before the sermon; he comes and sits with us during the sermon. Will and Joseph are usually quite squirmy and need lots of redirection some mornings during church. Yesterday was one of those. About 5 minutes into the sermon, Charlie was too fitful to be in the service (and I thought that he might be getting sick and so he couldn't go in the nursery) and so I slipped out to take care of him.

As I was walking out to the car after church, I started to feel sorry for myself. I hadn't worshiped. I had been distracted and doing something for my children all morning rather than worshiping. I missed Sunday School. I had a few quick, surface conversations with other believers, but not much substantive. All I wanted to do was to be able to worship God without interruptions. Is that too much to ask? Why am I always so busy with my children? Why don't they behave/sit quietly/not need me so much so that I can at least participate in church? Why can't I do what I want to do?

As I walked out to the car thinking about this, I realized something vital.

This is my worship.

Being a mama to these boys that the Lord has given me. Obediently submitting to His call on my life. Focusing on their discipline instead of my agenda. Caring for a baby. Reacting with peace when plans don't go my way.

To obey is better than sacrifice. 1 Samuel 15:22b

There is nothing magic about being about to sit through a sermon quietly, or going to Sunday School, or talking with other Christians that makes going to church be true worship. The Lord God is real and active, and by obeying Him in doing the work that He has given me to do in being a wife and mama, I am worshiping Him with my life.

But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. John 4:23

Crystal wrote a post along these same lines that talks about how she has realized that her ministry right now is her family. It was right on target. And especially pertinent to a pastor's wife. It is too easy to neglect the simple and sometimes mundane in favor of "ministry." The good can trump the best.

One more

For all of you mamas of little ones out there, this one hit home to me....

A hard truth

It all started easily enough. I was reading through my usual blogs and checked in with Jess at Making Home. I've only just recently started reading Jess's blog, but have found her posts to be informative, well-written, and thorough (I am actually amazed that she finds time to write so much so well!). From time to time, Jess writes a round-up of articles of note that she has read recently. And then under the category for "Food For Thought" , I read:

"Vaccines and their ingredients: You may be surprised (as I was!) to learn that aborted human fetal tissue is an ingredient in many mainstream vaccines. Take a look and make an informed choice about these issues from now on."

I have read anti-vaccine information before. It seems that many of the natural birth, home birth, whole foods, homeschooling, etc. crowd are also anti-vaccine, and I was interested by the idea although I had not done much research. Then, this past week, Jenny McCarthy spoke about the MMR vaccine and her ideas about it causing her son's autism. I was curious, did some research on MMR and autism, and told Joe yesterday that I wanted to consider not giving it to Charlie. But nothing prepared me for the information I read today.

I thought that surely this idea that vaccines were made from aborted babies must just be the latest right-wing rumor making its way around the internet. So, I clicked her link and was brought to an anti-vaccine website that contained a table showing the ingredients in different vaccines. I chose one that I recognized and think that my boys have gotten: Varivax. The chart says it contains (among other things) "human diploid cells from aborted fetal tissue." What!?

Still not convinced and since there are so many rumors going around out there, I went to the manufacturer's website and found the prescribing information for Varivax. The first paragraph that describes how the vaccine is made says:

"The virus was initially obtained from a child with natural varicella, then introduced into human embryonic lung cell cultures, adapted to and propagated in embryonic guinea pig cell cultures and finally propagated in human diploid cell cultures (WI-38). Further passage of the virus for varicella vaccine was performed at Merck Research Laboratories (MRL) in human diploid cell cultures (MRC-5) that were free of adventitious agents."

I still didn't believe what I was reading and called Merck (880-672-6372) to hear it directly from them. After only a minute or two punching the right numbers on my phone to get to a service representative, Stacey answered. I described going online and finding the prescribing information, and then I asked my question.
"Where did you get the human embryonic lung cells?"
"I will be happy to find that answer for you, Mrs. Holland. Can you hold, please?"
Stacey placed me on hold and when she picked back up, it was obvious that she was reading a scripted answer.
"Thank you for holding, Mrs. Holland. The cells cultured for this and other vaccines were approved by the FDA for use in vaccine development from an aborted fetus from 30 years ago...."
I really didn't hear much after she said "aborted fetus." Nothing else that she said mattered. I do remember her emphasizing the "30 years ago" part, as if profiting from a death that took place a long time ago made it less heinous. I ended the call politely and went and found Joe and told him what I had learned with tears in my eyes.

I have spent the remainder of my free moments of time (stolen in between the normal work of day to day life) pulling up article after article. Apparently, many vaccines were developed using embryonic stem cell lines derived from aborted babies. They actually know in the case of some of the stem lines, what baby it came from (a boy or girl and it's gestational age) and the situation around the abortion! I had no idea! I am still just in shock and feel so deceived. I hate the horror that is abortion and have wept before at the magnitude of its evil. But, I never before today realized that I have ever done anything to support it.

Read it!

I read a great post a few days ago. I am late in referencing it since made the rounds in the blogosphere while we were on vacation, but nevertheless I had to post it here too:

The Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson from Fresh Brewed Life
http://www.parenthood.com/articles.html?article_id=10240

(HT to Barbara at Mommy Life)

Good reading

I've found a few new blogs that I have been enjoying the past few days. The first is from Sara, who with her husband and daughter have downsized to a RV and are traveling the country, eating organic, locally grown food, avoiding consumerism, and generally living intentionally and "green." (She writes her story here.) While in many ways, we couldn't be more different (she has dredlocks and I'm growing my hair longer), she loves Christ. She writes on the notorious Proverbs 31 woman and I especially loved this part:

Bring Good, Not Harm

v. 11-12
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
v. 23
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

In the early days of my marriage, I decided that I would never speak harshly about my husband in the presence of others. Not even in jest. No matter how frustrated or annoyed I might be with a situation, it was between Matt, myself, and God. I didn’t run to my girlfriends, my co-workers, my mom, or the message boards. I spoke directly to Matt about my feelings and also to God. And in 7 years of marriage, we have never had a “fight” that lasted more than a few minutes. We never go to bed angry. I attribute those things largely to the fact that I focus on “bringing him good, not harm”. I don’t talk to others about our home life and let harsh feelings brew and brew all day.

Of course, it goes without saying that if you are in a verbally or physically abusive relationship, you must speak with someone about it. And if you and your spouse cannot get past certain issues, you may need counseling with a third party. But those interventions are very different than speaking with others about him and bringing him “down” in their eyes. Build him up! Help others to see him for the amazing man that he is.

"Blameless before the presense of His glory"

We have family in town who have taken Joseph and Will out to lunch and so I am here with just my two little guys...as good a time as any to post a quick hello. I haven't posted in weeks: 1.) because I didn't have the time, and 2.) because I remember being taught, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." :) Charlie is an extremely fussy baby (colic maybe?) and there are many days when I have held him almost constantly to try to stem the never-ending crying. Most times holding (while walking and bouncing, with a pacifier in his mouth) would help. However, if he drifted off and I put him down he would wake up within 10 minutes screaming again. He would have times of happiness, an hour or two here or there when he would be normal--smiling, cooing, and being content. Most days, he would not nap consistently and would wake up crying when I could tell he was still so tired. He pulls up his legs, squirms, and grimaces which shows obviously that he is in pain.

We tried Axid for reflux since all of my babies have spit up a lot, but that didn't help. Yesterday, the dr. put him on some drops that are mild muscle relaxants that are supposed to help colicy babies. Today he has slept like a champ, but is running a low grade fever from getting shots yesterday and so I am unable to tell yet if the new meds will help. I'll know better in the next few days.

All of that is for explanation of both point 1 and 2 above. Obviously my time was (and still is) limited. But more than that, I just didn't have anything worthwhile to add to the blogosphere. I know that I don't intend to write "happy-happy, joy-joy" things all of the time, but I don't need to be writing from the "pit of despair" either.

God is good. All of the time. And He has a good and perfect plan in giving me Charlie, fussiness and all. My head knows that, but my heart was (is) still dealing with what that means, and I didn't want to write until I was more settled in that realization. Now again, I have to say that I realize that a fussy baby is such a small thing compared to what so many other people are going through. It is all-consuming for me though right now and it is the lesson that I am currently learning. What does it mean to live in the light of the Gospel in the middle of long days and short nights with a baby who constantly needs me and 3 other little ones who still need life to go on as usual? What does it mean to realize that God loved me enough not only to send Jesus to atone for my sin, but also to give me difficult circumstances in order to sanctify me? What does it mean to realize that how I respond to the thousand questions of my children or how I deal with their disobedience shows the state of MY soul? Am I patiently submitting to God's current calling on my life? Am I patient, kind, loving, joyful, gentle, self-controlled?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Ephesians 5:22-23

These days have shown me again and again how I am in need of Christ. I need the Holy Spirit to work His good fruit into my life. I need to fall down on my knees in awe at His sovereignty that includes giving fussy infants to sanctify self-centered mamas. I need, hourly, His blood to atone for my sins (because, oh, how quickly they show these days). And I need His strength.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Many people understand this verse to say that God will not give us more than we can handle. I think, however, that I am given more than I can handle by myself. It is only in running to Christ and saying, "I can't do it and I need You," that He then comes and strengthens me to walk in the path He has laid out for me. The "way of escape" is the cross. It is realizing that I couldn't and still can't save myself. It is only through the blood of Jesus that I can stand before God and it is only through the blood of Jesus that I can live day by day.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

But you, beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit; keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life....Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 20-21, 24-25

Rainy Saturday

I haven't written much recently besides family updates because my brain just isn't at the capacity right now to think deeply. Not getting many continuous hours of sleep can do that. Katie had a short, but strong post yesterday that I have been mulling over though. Maybe when my brain clears I'll add my agreeing thoughts to hers.
We are putting our house on the market on Monday and we'll see what happens. Today we are cleaning like madmen.

"You had the baby!"

I had my first trip to Wal-mart today, but with only Charlie and David instead of all 4 boys. Joseph and Will played at Mrs. J.'s house and had a grand time while I shopped. I got to show Charlie off to all of the workers who we have gotten to know from our weekly shopping trips. Being hugely pregnant and shopping faithfully every Wednesday morning with 3 young children in tow makes me an easy person to remember, I suppose. :) I had trouble finding room in my cart for the groceries with David up front in the child seat and Charlie in the back in his carrier. I overdid it too and was exhausted afterwards. It was lifting the 50 lb. bag of dog food that finally was just too much.

Joe and I have been talking some recently about downsizing and we actually went and looked at some houses yesterday. We have been thinking about buying a smaller (cheaper) house and paying for it completely rather than keeping this big house with a mortgage. It is definitely appealing to think of being 100% debt free ("Freedom!!!!"), but we really love our land. I am not attached to this house, but I love the yard. Joe did mention today how much more free time we would have if we didn't have to keep up with the yard though....

Anyway, it is an interesting discussion and it gets to the core of what we are going to value as a family. Land or being debt free? Being able to save now to free us up for future ministry or paying on a mortgage? Living in 1600 or 3200 sq ft? Having the huge yard and driveway for the boys or the usual backyard play area? We'll see where God leads.

Lastly, here is a picture of Charlie from today. He's just under 10 lbs now and doing great!

Confidential to the aunts: The "teenager" is back and banging against my living room window again!

Read it

The blogger that I have read the longest and one of my constant favorites is "back" with a great post today.

"HIgh times, hard times"

It seems that when things happen in real life that my blog is the first thing to go. Many times what is going on is church-related and so I am unable to write about it, even if I wanted to. Also, one has to process something to be able to write about it and that just takes time. Such has been the situation here with me recently. Hard things going on in church. Nothing has been resolved, and Joe and I are working through how to deal with it.

I had a conversation with a friend in real life who had found my blog. She expressed feeling inadequate because I am so together! Hee, hee....she must've not been reading long, huh? Anyway, lest anyone else out there hold that mistaken impression, rest assured that I am a sinner just like each of you. I find similarities between myself and Katie in Prentisss's Stepping Heavenward who admits that, "you knew I had faults...I never tried to conceal them" because my besetting sins are so visible and outward. While it is my goal to become more and more Christ-like, I have so far to go and it is painfully obvious to any who observe me! As for the glimpses of our domestic life that I record here, they are just glimpses. I have much to learn in this area too. I am not Martha Stewart, only a bumbling servant of the King who is trying to make our home a haven that honors Him and that nurtures my dear family and those that visit here.

The past few days, I have been doing some math and making some phone calls to determine if we should try to refinance our mortgage. Our main financial goal right now is to pay off this house and if we keep up our current pace we should do so in 2-4 years. I have been trying to see if there is a low enough rate available out there to make it even faster after factoring in closing costs. This afternoon, I spoke to John Lavender at Churchill Mortgage—the company that Dave Ramsey recommends so highly. After determining that rates aren't really low enough to help us right now (i.e. we already have a pretty good mortgage), John encouraged me to not get so focused on the mortgage that we skip family vacation. I laughed and told him that family vacation this summer was the addition of baby number 4 to our family!

After hanging up as I thought more about what he was saying, I dismissed it at first as merely a mortgage “salesman” trying to not make me be so down on mortgages because they pay his salary. (Which I do believe is partly true.) But then I considered if Joe and I are somehow missing something by being so frugal and doing things like skipping vacations (and cable TV, call waiting, caller ID, dinners out, new cars, nice furniture, nice clothes...and in general having more disposable income.) Are we silly for living very simply and piling money onto our mortgage to get rid of it? It all came down to this: Is our family missing out because we aren't going on a vacation this year or really any year in the near future except for visiting family?

I remembered something that my sister Laura says, “Vacation with small children is not vacation, it is simply relocation.” So true! I have greatly altered my expectations for our 4 days at the beach with Joe's mom as we've added more children to the trip each year. It is a lot of work to pack for a family of 5, drive 8 hours to the beach, and try to live under one small roof with extended family—even if it is “vacation!” The boys still need a mama and a daddy and the added audience and drama of extended family make it...well...let's just say...not very relaxing! :)

This same “relocation” issue would apply if it was just our little family too. We'd still have the packing, traveling, and work of daily life—even if we were somewhere else. So, after all of these ponderings, I've decided that we aren't missing out. Vacations are hard work and the Holland family is not deprived by foregoing them. We'd enjoy being together, but the boys are just as happy (if not more so) to camp in the back woods with their Daddy as they would be at a cottage by a lake. And with backyard camping, the pregnant mama can enjoy the comfort of her own bed, AND avoid packing!

And as for the other things that we are “missing,” perhaps there will be a season later in life when God will provide some of them. In the meantime, we are learning frugality and paying off the mortgage! Sorry John!

Free furniture!

We actually have a craigslist for Northern Mississippi that I check from time to time and about a week ago, I spotted an ad for a dresser, night stand, and headboard for $50. It sounded nice and we need another dresser as the boys already fill theirs and soon David's clothes will have to be stored in the boys' room too. The furniture was in Starkville though (which is about 45 minutes from here) and we just couldn't work out a time to get it. The boys were all sick and we didn't need the extra stress of a road trip.

Imagine my surprise when I saw yesterday that the set was now listed for free! Well, that was just too good to pass up and so Joe drove last night and got the furniture. He had one of his favorite kids from the Jackson youth group (who goes to State in Starkville) meet him there and help him carry the heavy pieces and afterwards they got a chance to catch up. He got home late last night and so I didn't get a clear look at everything until this morning.

I really like it! It is old (the college-aged girl said it was her grandmother's furniture) and the finish is worn, but the basic structure is beautiful. And I love the old fashioned pulls. I am going to ask my dad what to do to fix the finish the best way because I think with a little work it could be beautiful. In the meantime, it is old and that is fine too.

I am so thankful for the provision of free, pretty furniture.

Here it the dresser (in my living rooom--we haven't put it away yet)

And an up close shot of one of the pulls--isn't that pretty?

Spring sickness

Well, I have been stuck at home for just over a week now keeping the germs of my three little ones from spreading far and wide. Joseph is on the mend as he got an antibiotic last Friday for his ear infection, and his cough seems to be dissipating too. William still had a nasty cough, but hasn't run a fever in a few days. He still has a busted front lip and scratches on his face from falling face first off of his bike yesterday. Poor David is the worst. We went back to the dr. for him again today and after 2 and 1/2 hours(!) of waiting and 10 minutes with the dr., we left with a diagnosis of double ear infections and some unidentifiable stomach bug. As for the long wait, I got to be that mom in the waiting room holding the screaming toddler while everyone else looks on. I had brought snacks, toys, books, and even our portable DVD player, but none of it worked on David after that first hour.

ANYWAY, that is my life right now. Sick boys and learning patience and peace in the middle of long days and fussy sick children. God is giving me rest in Him in these days and I am thankful for the discipline of hard times. I have been convicted that my Sovereign Lord has ordained each inconvenience and hindrance as part of His plan for my good and His glory. This has been fresh and real to me as I have served my little ones in these days of illness.

Let me challenge you to remember that anything that happens to you comes from His hand. Some of you have already learned this in bigger and harder ways, but we can always use a reminder, can't we? I have faced the petty difficulties of this past week with a busy husband and 3 sick children (and being almost 7 months preggers too :) ) with such a different perspective since being convicted of the realness of what believing in a sovereign God means. However, I'd better stop waxing eloquent about it now lest my tongue get ahead of my heart. I haven't learned the lesson completely (as I still react so often with anger or fighting for my "rights"), but I have a Gracious Teacher.

Referral

I just had to post a quick link to Holly's blog tonight and an excellent piece she wrote today entitled "Communion Admist Chaos." I have been re-reading a book that I got just after I had Joseph-- Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul, and have found that I disagree with the author. The thesis of the book is that women need to make space in their busy lives for time with Christ by slipping away from family duties and that we also should be pursuing outside "passions." I remember questioning this advice even as a very new mom, but now I see it even more clearly. While I am still encouraged by her drive to seek intimacy with Christ, I think her methods are too me-focused.

Which brings me to why I love Holly's post. Holly captures the need to commune with the Lord in the midst of daily life, not by shutting it out or resenting it. Her words are exactly what I need to hear and remind me to rejoice in the busyness of this season of life because it was ordained by God.

Joyfully Naked

I have a question that I need some other mama opinions on. I only have the experience of my 3 little men, and I need the input of some of you girl mamas. Do girls like being naked too? My boys LOVE being naked and something about nakedness calls for wild romps around the house and running and giggling as fast as you can. There is a giddiness and joy that they get from being naked that is so uninhibited.

I was thinking about this before baths the other night and wondered if it was a guy thing. I am not excessively shy. Though I must admit to being a bit taken aback by those that parade around gym locker rooms naked for lengthy periods of time, I don't mind the normal changing-clothes-nakedness in locker rooms.

And I don't ever remember feeling joyously naked. Perhaps I did as a young child and have just forgotten that phase of life. But I definitely had some male friends in college that did feel joyously naked. There was one house of otherwise normal guys who were known for lounging around or even running around Grounds naked. Other friends streaked the Lawn (a university tradition and right of passage), but the odds of doing so were definitely higher for guys.

So, thus my query, is it a guy thing?

Circle meeting

I am so thankful for the ladies of this church. I am part of a circle that meets monthly and we study a book and discuss it at each meeting, along with sharing and prayer requests. We had our meeting last week and are studying Stepping Heavenward this year--one of my favorites! (On a side note, the girltalk blog is reading the biography of Elizabeth Prentiss for their current book club and they always have good content. Get the book and join it!) We just did chapters 1 and 2 last week, and I was so encouraged by the depth of sharing and the openness to God's work. One of the topics discussed was our failings as mothers and the struggles with our children's sin. It was a heart-wrenching time as we started to feel overwhelmed by our insufficiency. The next night, I was reading Barbara Curtis's Lord, Meet Me in the Laundry Room (heartily recommended) and found this quote:
When Satan hounds you about your weaknesses, you feel tired, depressed, and full of despair. When God confronts you, you feel remorse, quickly followed by the desire to change and hope for the future. (pg. 80)

What a good reminder! Romans 8:15 tell us, 'For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."' God is our loving Father and convicts in order to bring repentance, not worry or fear.

Preparing for Motherhood

A few months back, I wrote a few posts in a series on preparing for motherhood. I included thoughts on avoiding debt and managing your money well and the value of motherhood.

The concept of this series is that God provides different seasons in our lives for different things. I am currently in a season of small children and it is the most tiring, rewarding, joyous, laborious, and full season of life that I have faced so far. (I am not arguing that this time will always be classified this way, that is just how I see it now compared with life up to this point. Who knows, I may decide that being the mother of teenagers is the most tiring, rewarding, etc....but I have a few more years to get there and then I'll have to compare.)

While I feel that I was more prepared to be a mom than many of my friends, I still know that I was woefully short of being prepared. I have actually had some friends (several) tell me that they just were not made to be mothers! And while I understand the feelings of inadequacy that would lead someone to say that, it is just so wrong. God's design for married women (barring the consequences of living in a fallen world—disease, infertility, etc.) is motherhood. It is evident in our biological design and throughout the creation story as He instructed Adam and Eve to be “fruitful and multiply.” And we all know the NT prescriptives to women that focus on the homefront. Even the Proverbs 31 woman, who is sometimes erroneously used as an example of a working woman, is busy at home!

There is much in motherhood that runs directly counter to our culture's roles and priorities for value in a woman. Motherhood calls for one to die to self, while the world tells us to live to our full potential. We must embrace the promise of Matthew 10:39 that, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” It is precisely in the sweet service of caring for my family that God is present and active in me.

Over Christmas, I had a heated discussion with a family member about womanhood. She had commented on a couple that we both knew who was having trouble in their marriage because the wife had recently started working and the husband was feeling like he wasn't getting enough attention. She said that the problem was that the husband was controlling and didn't like his wife doing other things. My family member said, “Well, she should be able to do what makes her happy, what fulfills her.” I made the point that by marrying, this woman had agreed to love and serve her husband, and if he felt like he wasn't getting enough attention then he wasn't and that was what mattered. I even made the shocking statement that I thought women should mainly take care of things at home and that men were responsible for working to care for the family.

The point that Joe made later (he had been quietly observing our interchange) and that I wish I had thought of at the time was that it was exactly in service, in giving up “me” for “another,” in the submission of my will to the Creator, that I will truly be fulfilled—and filled with Christ.